LORD OF THE FYRE
Written by
Jordan VanDina
EXT. FYRE FESTIVAL – NIGHT
The FYRE FESTIVAL is a barren wasteland of broken dreams and the empty promises of Instagram influencers. Dilapidated white tents whimper in the wind as loose garbage tumbles through the festival grounds. The starvation cries of hungry festival-goers ring out through the thick humid air.
LEO DICAPRIO, 42, in rough shape like he hasn’t had food or
sex in hours, stares at his phone which has 2% battery left.
LEO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
I ain’t afraid to die anymore… I
done it already…
72 HOURS EARLIER
INT. LEO’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Leo is with some SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL, I’m talking the face of Bella Thorne, the body of Bella Hadid and the open- mind to love something dangerous like Belle from Beauty & The Beast.
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
That sex was hashtag “amazeballs”!
LEO DICAPRIO
Yeah… that was great! But maybe
it wouldn’t be so bad if you
“Departed.”
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
TOTALLY. I have to do a shoot to
advertise vegan white strips for
the Costco Network Instagram page.
LEO DICAPRIO
That’s “Great, Gatsby!”
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
You’re super funny! Hey maybe I
cancel my shoot and we just spend
all day pigging out and laying in
bed? Netflix and Chill? Hulu and
Hang?
Leo starts to run out of his own bed.
LEO DICAPRIO
“Catch me if you Can!”
Leo runs out of the room.
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
But this is your house!
LEO DICAPRIO
Keep it!
INT. SICK FUCKING PORSCHE – DAY
Leo speeds down the Pacific Coast Highway, no regard for speed limits. Who cares?! I’d like to see the fucking cop that has the nutsack to give LEO a ticket. GET REAL, won’t happen.
LEO DICAPRIO
(on phone)
Oh yeah, I totally did that thing
to her where I keep trying to fit
the titles of my movies into
conversation. I kept calling her
Gilbert Grape all night, it was
hilarious… You would have shit,
Marty.
A TEXT NOISE CHIMES.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Hold on, I’m getting a text.
Leo looks down at his phone, the name on the text message
reads “SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL”
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
(TEXT)
Hey had a great time last night.
Forgot to tell you, I am promoting
this FYRE FESTIVAL, it’s like super
exclusive… and has like yacht
parties… and private cabanas…
and JA-RULE headlining…
Leo almost drives off the fucking road. Never has he heard of
an event so up his alley.
LEO DICAPRIO
Holy shit…
2.
MARTY SCORSESE
(on phone)
Everything okay, Leo?
LEO DICAPRIO
(on phone)
No. Marty. It isn’t. I think we are
going to have to delay filming on
our hardcore gangsters running
Disneyland bio-pic.
MARTY SCORSESE
(on phone)
What? We can’t do that. You’re the
only guy who can play Mickey Mouth.
What’s so important that you will
miss shooting?
LEO DICAPRIO
(on phone)
I never thought I’d say this… But
I think it’s time to get the PUSSY
POSSE* back together.
*The Pussy Posse was the name the media titled Leo’s group of
womanizing pals back in the 90s. The founding members were of
course Leo, David Blaine, Tobey Maguire and E from Entourage.
SO SICK!!!!!
MARTY SCORSESE
(on phone)
Oh… Well if it’s for something
like that… Then maybe we can
start production on Monday. BUT if
you aren’t there Monday, your
career is over. You hear me? No
studio will work with you again.
LEO DICAPRIO
Understood… Now there’s only one
thing left to do… I need to
gather the rest of my posse.
Leo’s Porsche speeds past a cop but the cop notices the
license plate says “LEO Di–Z Nuts”
COP
Gotta love that Leo! Would never
dream of giving him a ticket. He
was so good in Blood Diamond.
3.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT
DONALD TRUMP sits smiling like a school boy as DAVID BLAINE
does a trick for him in the oval office.
DAVID BLAINE
This is a standard deck of cards.
Nothing weird here. Except one
seems to be missing…
David fans out the remaining cards… No Joker in the deck.
DONALD TRUMP
Fantastic trick. Loved it. One of
the best tricks ever.
DAVID BLAINE
Tricks not over yet… Check your
asshole.
DONALD TRUMP
Excuse me.
DAVID BLAINE
Dig deep into your asshole.
David Blaine stares down Trump, dead serious, somber tone. He
wants the President to check inside his asshole.
DONALD TRUMP
Sheesh. Wish I didn’t have that
Taco Bell Quesalupa for lunch, but
such is life. I’ll play ball.
Trump digs into his ass deep and pulls out a Joker card! He
shows the card to the crowd in the oval office.
DONALD TRUMP (CONT’D)
Wow. This guys good. Witchcraft. In
the old days they would have
dragged you to one of those
Holocaust Centers for some wizardry
like that. You’re a tremendous
talent though. When this President
nonsense is all said and done maybe
I’ll have you on the Celebrity
Apprentice. You and Carrot Top. I’d
watch that. Watch the shit out of
that…
David Blaine looks out the white house window and sees a
giant light in the sky. He walks out on the balcony.
4.
DAVID BLAINE
No… It can’t be.
The symbol is a lot like the Bat symbol but instead of a bat
it is… a vagina?!
DAVID BLAINE (CONT’D)
I knew this day would come…
David Blaine slowly starts to levitate… a few inches off
the ground… a few feet… a few more… then SHOOTS into
the air towards the symbol.
MELANIA TRUMP, runs towards the balcony where Blaine just
disappeared from.
MELANIA TRUMP
PLEASE. Take me with you…
EXT. BRICK BUILDING – NIGHT
A brick building stands still in the night. Nothing out of
the ordinary. Just your everyday, standard, brick building…
UNTIL…
TOBEY MAGUIRE spirals down it upside down in a Spider-Man
costume. He peels off his mask and no one is there to kiss
him.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
LUCINDA! LUCINDA! Where the fuck is
Mary Jane?
LUCINDA, an elderly African American nurse, quickly scampers
over to the wall.
LUCINDA
She came down with a case of the
flu. I’m sorry baby. She will be
back for rehearsals tomorrow…
TOBEY MAGUIRE
UNPROFESSIONAL.
Tobey rights himself and gets off the wall.
We pull out to reveal the brick wall is a small staged wall
inside of a hospital.
PATIENT
Was that Tobey Maguire?
5.
LUCINDA
Sure was. Poor thing, still thinks
he’s the Spider-Man. Doesn’t even
know they did 4 films without him.
He still rehearses everyday…
Tobey storms off to his room and looks out the window and
sees the vagina symbol in the air.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Holy shit. My posse needs me. They
need… SPIDER-MAN.
Tobey puts his mask back on and leaps out the third story
window with his arm out like Spider-Man about to shoot a web.
A GIANT CRASH is heard on the ground and cars collide into
each other.
DRIVER
OH FUCK ME. I THINK I JUST KILLED
TOBEY MAGUIRE.
EXT. THE ROOSEVELT HOTEL POOL – NIGHT
SO MANY SICK FUCKING CELEBS are at this party, CT from the
Real World/Road Rules Challenge, the dude from behind the
fence on Home Improvement, and the chick with whip cream tits
from Varsity Blues.
PARTY BRO
Aren’t you E from Entourage?
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Yes. That is me. “OH YEAH”!!!
Remember the theme song?
PARTY BRO
I love that song. gotta buy you a
shot, dude. Me and my boys used to
pretend we were Vinny Chase and the
gang and harass women at the
Burbank Whole Foods.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Cool man! Love hearing that!
E looks into the sky.
E FROM ENTOURAGE (CONT’D)
Hey, I literally never do this, but
that free shot might have to
wait…
6.
EXT. THE WARNER BROTHERS STUDIO LOT – NIGHT
The Posse has all assembled into the backlot of Warner
Brothers.
LEO DICAPRIO
Good to see you guys. Where’s
Tobey?
CLUNK… CLUNK… CLUNK… The sound of Tobey’s crutches
clanking up the backlot can be heard.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Great, we’re all here now.
All at once the posse puts their fingers in each other’s
noses and sniffs. This is their secret handshake.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Just like old times… Now I’m sure
you’re wondering why I asked all of
you here today… David could you
please get down…
David Blaine stops levitating.
DAVID BLAINE
Is this your card??
David pulls out an Ace of Spades.
LEO DICAPRIO
Dave, just cut the shit for 3
seconds. Yes it was my card but I’m
trying to tell you guys about the
Fyre music festival.
Leo takes out his phone and shows Instagram posts from
Kendall Jenner, Emily Ratajkowski, and thousands of other
social influencers who are going to be at FYRE.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
They are all going to be at the
Fyre fest… with yachts… and
luxury cabanas…
E FROM ENTOURAGE
I’m in.
DAVID BLAINE
Sounds magical…
7.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
I don’t know man… We said after
Robin Thicke’s bachelor party where
we killed that Cirque Du Soleil
performer that we were never going
to unite again.
LEO DICAPRIO
We never had a proper send-off.
This is one last bash… One last
hurrah for the Posse… We can’t
have let that Cirque Du Soleil
performer die in vain.
Tobey looks skeptical.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Tobe… Look where we are, man.
Leo points to Sound Stage 23.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Right over there is where I filmed
Titanic. That very spot. Got to
draw that girl’s boobs and
everything. I loved that shit. And
so did millions of people across
America.
Leo points to the cafeteria.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
And right over there is where
Blaine buried a card in Rob
Schneider’s asshole.
Blaine cracks a smile. He remembers. He remembers every trick
he has ever done.
Leo points to a random street corner on the lot.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
And look, that street is where E
from Entourage helped Vinny Chase
get the role of Aquaman right after
he had a threesome with Tara Reid
and Tara Reid’s stunt double.
E from Entourage can’t help but giggle at this memory.
Leo points to a brick wall.
Tobey knows what that brick wall represents…
8.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
And that. That wall is your history
Tobey. That’s where Spider-Man came
down and kissed that chick from
“Homeland”…
TOBEY MAGUIRE
That’s actually a different
actress…
LEO DICAPRIO
Whatever man, I’m doing a speech
here. Don’t you get it, this is
bigger than us. It’s our legacy. We
are doing this for Hollywood. WE
ARE HOLLYWOOD!
THE PUSSY POSSE
YEAH!!!
LEO DICAPRIO
WE ARE THE PUSSY POSSE
THE PUSSY POSSE
YEAH!!!!
LEO DICAPRIO
Oh and Ja-Rule will be at this
festival too.
THE PUSSY POSSE
HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!!!
A smile creeps across Tobey’s face. He fucking loves Ja-Rule.
EXT. PRIVATE AIRPORT RUNWAY – DAY
The Posse waits on the runway with their bags but no plane is
there.
LEO DICAPRIO
This is very strange, the Fest said
they would send a private jet for
us.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Look if this plane doesn’t show up
in the next 20 minute we are going
to miss the opening act, Eifel 65.
They had that blue song.
DAVID BLAINE
I love that shit. “I’m Blue…”
9.
Blaine proceeds to sing the rest of the Eifel 65 “I’m Blue”
song for the next 4 minutes. He truly does love that shit. He
studies Eifel’s entire catalogue. Even the lesser known B-
sides.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
I have a bunch of points from
UNITED, do we just want to take a
commercial flight?
Leo dies laughing. He can’t even catch his breath.
LEO DICAPRIO
HOLY SHIT! That will be priceless.
Imagine us with the fucking losers
of America that can’t afford to fly
private. E, you are a genius, let’s
do it. I bet I get a dry rub from a
normal in the economy sized
bathroom before we even take off.
INT. UNITED AIRLINES TERMINAL – DAY
Leo and the Posse walk up to the counter and greet the SUPER
HOT UNITED EMPLOYEE. I’m talking the face of ScarJO, the body
of JLO and the effortless humor of FLO from Progressive.
LEO DICAPRIO
(holding in laughter)
HI, me and my posse need 4 seats on
this normal person public flight!
NEVER IN HIS FUCKING LIFE has Leo taken a coach flight. This
truly tickles him. He can’t believe it. Pressing a button to
get a diet soda and not having a hot towel on your neck at
all times is a fucking joke to Dicaprio.
The Super Hot United employee has her head down…
SUPER HOT UNITED EMPLOYEE
Sorry, flight is all booked up.
LEO DICAPRIO
Damn. Really wanted to get to that
island… SHUTTER ISLAND!
The Super Hot United Employee looks up and almost passes out.
SUPER HOT UNITED EMPLOYEE
OH SHIT! I mean… OH FUCK! I mean,
hi Leo Dicaprio. Let me see what I
can do for you.
10.
The Super Hot United Employee starts bashing on the gate door
like a maniac. Even though it’s already closed she will not
let up till it opens back up.
SUPER HOT UNITED EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
A BIT OF AN EMERGENCY OUT HERE.
OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR. WE NEED HELP
RIGHT NOW.
INT. UNITED AIRLINES AIRPLANE – DAY
The UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT, 40’s, military type, jacked up
and angry, gets on the intercom.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Alright, you pieces of shit, this
is how it’s going to go. We need
four people to leave this flight
right now so my fucking boys can
get on this thing and get to their
festival to see Eifel 65 open the
show. Any questions? Didn’t think
so.
There are groans from the passengers.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
In return for you giving up your
precious seat, United is willing to
give you 10% off any Applebee’s
location on weekdays before 3 PM.
THREE people instantly get up and get off the flight.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
I guess the rest of you fucking
pigs didn’t hear what I said. WE
NEED FOUR. That’s one more. I was
never great at math but you can
COUNT on me kicking your teeth down
your ass if someone doesn’t get up
in 5 seconds.
The flight attendant goes down the aisle, eyeing men, women
and children, intimidating the Hell out of everyone.
He SLAPS a man in the face.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
You don’t deserve that seat you
disgusting piece of shit.
He keeps walking and grabs a baby.
11.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
This baby is getting thrown off
right now.
MOTHER
NO PLEASE! He’s only 5 months.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I couldn’t give two shits about
your baby, mam. He’s ugly as sin.
The Attendant chucks the baby back to the mother and keeps
walking towards DR. DAVID, an elderly gentleman with
headphones in.
The flight attendant grabs the BEATS by DRE (sick headphones)
from David’s ear and snaps them in half.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Too busy listening to your fucking
Maron podcasts to hear what I’m
saying?
DR. DAVID
HEY! Those were expensive.
The flight attendant grabs David’s Coke Zero and takes a sip
then spits it in his face.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT
No. No. Those weren’t expensive.
Your hospital bills will be
expensive if you don’t get your ass
out of that seat right now.
Dr. David puts up somewhat of a fight but the United Flight
Attendant throws him to the ground and starts kicking his
face.
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
You’re lucky I didn’t wear my
cleats today, bitch. I’m an
athlete. I wear cleats all the
time. I’m on an intermural soccer
league when I’m not flight
attending. That’s how I stay in
shape.
DR. DAVID
I’ll leave. I’ll leave. Stop
kicking.
The POSSE starts to walk on the flight as the United Flight
Attendant drags David by his ears down the aisle.
12.
DR. DAVID (CONT’D)
PLEASE. I have patients that are
very sick. An old man needs a heart
transplant. A 68 year old man! 68!
E FROM ENTOURAGE
65. Eifel 65. That’s who we are
seeing. Thanks for getting off,
pal.
The Posse squeezes into these bullshit tight seats that don’t
even have a reading light or a full size Tempur-Pedic
mattress that rolls out.
They look out the window and see the Flight Attendant beating
the ever-loving shit out of Dr. David out on the runway. The
attendant chucks the 10% off Applebee’s coupon at David’s
lifeless body and gets back on the flight.
Tobey starts to mess with the TV and notices the SPIDER-MAN
reboot with ANDREW GARFIELD on the screen.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
The fuck is this?…
Tobey starts to furiously tap the screen but the screens go
off at the same time.
David Blaine’s face suddenly appears on every monitor.
DAVID BLAINE
Hello United Flight 549. You can
see here I am holding a standard
deck of cards… Only one is
missing… I would like you all to
dig deep into your assholes…
The entire flight digs into their pants…
INT. UNITED AIRLINES AIRPLANE – LATER
UNITED FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Alright idiots, everyone buckle up
for landing. Or don’t. You think I
give a shit if you hit your head on
something? Would rather you all rot
in Hell than take another United
flight.
Leo comes out of the bathroom with a few women.
13.
LEO DICAPRIO
Those bathrooms are a trip! I
couldn’t even fit more than 2
chicks in there. Hilarious.
EXT. MIAMI PIER – DAY
The posse waits with their bags by the dock. They look
towards the ocean, waiting for their pickup.
LEO DICAPRIO
First no plane. Now no boat. The
fuck is going on here? Why do I
feel like I can’t trust Kendall
Jenner of all a sudden.
Tobey pulls Leo aside.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Hey Leo… If they were going to
reboot Spider-Man you’d tell me
right…
Leo looks nervous for the first time in his life.
LEO DICAPRIO
Oh… Yeah man! But why would they
do that? You’re the best Spider-
Man. Everyone knows that.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Yeah… You’re right. Thanks bro.
A YACHT comes speeding towards the posse blasting some
amazing tunes.
LEO DICAPRIO
Is that…?
E FROM ENTOURAGE
I think it is…
THE PUSSY POSSE
MR. 305!!!!
PITBULL, pulls up in a white suit dancing like a maniac and
spitting out wise proverbs to the boys.
PITBULL
Get on the boat boys! If you want
to dance with the guppies, you’ve
got to swim with the sharks!
14.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Yo, no sarcasm in this at all, Mr.
305 fucking rules.
EXT. PITBULL’S YACHT – NIGHT
PITBULL music blasts through every speaker on the yacht.
There are no women. It’s just boys being boys and dancing
together to Pitbull on the Lido deck.
PITBULL
I love you guys, even you, Old
Spider-Man.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
What do you mean by that?
PITBULL
We are almost at the FYRE Festival
island. Going to be so many chicas.
But remember, you can’t ring a
doorbell without your fingers!
LEO DICAPRIO
Cool, man. I’m not sure what that
means.
Pitbull turns off the boat engine and starts to float towards
a dark island.
PITBULL
Weird. I thought there would be
more light…
Pitbull strains his eyes to see something on the island. He
notices the “FYRE FESTIVAL” sign breaking off into the water.
PITBULL (CONT’D)
You know what they say, in darkness
is where we see the most light…
IS THAT A FIRE?
BANG. BANG. Pitbull is shot and flies off the boat into the
water.
THE BOYS ARE BEING AMBUSHED.
LEO DICAPRIO
OH SHIT. Call 911, Mr. 305 just got
86’d!
The Posse dives off the boat and separates.
15.
A group of people dive from the island towards the boat. They
seem violent in a zombie-like state.
SWIMMERS
(chanting)
PHONE CHARGER. PHONE CHARGER.
One swimmer holds another one under the water till they
fucking die.
SWIMMER
PHONE CHARGER. PHONE CHARGER…
The concert-goers walking into the water hold out man-made
spears. Ready to kill for a phone charge. Ready to DIE for a
phone charge.
EXT. FYRE ISLAND – NIGHT
Leo and the rest of the gang surface at the edge of the
island.
LEO DICAPRIO
What in the fuck is going on here?
We’ve been on this island for 5
minutes and I don’t have any fluids
going in me or coming out of me.
This is fucking bullshit.
The FYRE Fest sign burns in the sand. The tents are withering
away.
A few scattered people walk around confused like they have
just been apart of a natural disaster. They hold their phones
out, desperately searching for an ounce of a charge.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Look up the Fyre Fest hashtag.
Surely there must be a mistake.
Tobey checks his Instagram. An ad for the new Avengers DVD
pops up and a glimpse of Spider-Man can be seen…
TOBEY MAGUIRE
What the fuck is this?
David Blaine grabs the phone trying to hide new Spider-Man
from Tobey.
DAVID BLAINE
All these hashtags are saying don’t
come here… There’s no food…
(MORE)
16.
There’s no water… There’s no
phone chargers…
Blaine eyes Tobey’s phone… 36%… FUCK.
DAVID BLAINE (CONT’D)
What are we going to do?
TOBEY MAGUIRE
I don’t know David why don’t you
MAGICALLY get us some power to our
phones.
David grabs Tobey by the neck.
DAVID BLAINE
Look motherfucker, the dark arts
are not to be meddled with. You may
be Spider-Man to everyone else, but
you are Peter Parker to me and you
better Peter Park-your ass in that
sand and shut the fuck up for the
rest of this trip.
LEO DICAPRIO
GUYS. GUYS. Stop fighting. It’s
fine. It’s going to be fine. I
never found myself in a situation I
couldn’t fuck my way out of.
They hear a RUSTLING in the bushes…
E FROM ENTOURAGE
This reminds me of Entourage season
4, episode 6 when Vince had a
stalker and we had to go to Stephen
Dorff’s E-Cig party in San Diego
but couldn’t find a ride.
LEO DICAPRIO
Cool, man.
Suddenly a CRAZED WOMAN comes running out of the bushes and
lunges at Leo.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
WHOA. EASY. TAKE IT EASY. Tell us
what’s going on.
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
LEO?
LEO DICAPRIO
Do I know you?
DAVID BLAINE (CONT’D)
17.
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
We had sex in your house less than
48 hours ago.
LEO DICAPRIO
I count my sex like dog years, if
we had sex 48 hours that’s like 7
years in my bone time. I’ve gone
through a lot more ladies since
Tuesday.
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
Wish you hadn’t told me that.
LEO DICAPRIO
What’s going on here? When does Ja-
Rule go on?
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
He hasn’t shown up…
LEO DICAPRIO
It’s going to be okay. We’ll be
fine. Do you know the Posse?
Smoking Hot Instagram Model shakes Tobey’s hand.
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
Oh, hi guys. Old Spider-Man, I
loved those original movies.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
What do you mean by that?
LEO DICAPRIO
Who’s running things in there?
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
There’s a group of well known
Youtube celebrities that are taking
on the leadership role. Keeping all
the food for themselves. Collecting
the chargers. They are referring to
themselves as… The New Pussy
Posse.
LEO DICAPRIO
EXCUSE ME?
SMOKING HOT INSTAGRAM MODEL
I have to go… It’s not safe here.
Take this Conch shell. It is your
destiny… Your way out… The only
way to live.
18.
Leo takes a long gaze at the Instagram Model.
LEO DICAPRIO
Do I know you?
INT. TENT BUNGALOWS – NIGHT
All the food, snacks and glow-sticks have been compiled in
the center and is being watched over by the NEW PUSSY POSSE
2017 which consists of a trio of YOUTUBE and INSTAGRAM STARS,
CHADWICK, TAD, and VANCE.
CHADWICK
This is so dope. We are the only
people with phone chargers on this
whole fucking island.
TAD
We are the only people that will
have pics from this event. I’m
talking 5 million likes minimum.
VANCE
THIS IS SOOOO GOOD FOR OUR BRAND.
Leo and the gang watch from the bushes. Leo takes the conch
shell and stares at it.
LEO DICAPRIO
I wish we had like tequila or
Fireball so we could do shots out
of this thing. That would be sick.
The Posse agrees.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Ah well.
Leo throws the conch shell away. The New Posse hears the
commotion.
CHADWICK
Who the fuck are you guys?
Leo comes out of the bushes waiting to be recognized.
LEO DICAPRIO
Excuse me? You don’t know who I am?
VANCE
Trouble with your hearing old man?
Why are you in our domain. This
island is ours.
19.
David takes out a deck of cards.
DAVID BLAINE
Check your asshole, slick.
VANCE
Eww, what?
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Yeah David, chill on the butt
tricks, it’s pretty aggressive.
DAVID BLAINE
Noted.
LEO DICAPRIO
We were thinking maybe you can
share the wealth… Give us some
phone charge and some food… We’re
all bros here.
CHADWICK
You think I’m going to share the
wealth of my 9,000,000 Youtube
subscribers. I don’t think so,
grandpa.
LEO lunges at the kid.
LEO DICAPRIO
You don’t know what it means to be
famous kid. In ‘99 I was eating
lobster tail with Bobby D and
getting a dry rub from Sandy
Bullock. That’s 2 famous people’s
names I abbreviated cause I am
friendly with them. THAT’S FAME YOU
BITCH.
The rest of the Posse holds Leo back.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Leo, it’s not worth it man.
LEO DICAPRIO
You haven’t seen the last of us.
Don’t sleep. I’ll Inception your
ass.
VANCE
The fuck are you talking about?
LEO DICAPRIO
He hasn’t seen Inception?!
20.
Leo throws his hands up.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
The kid hasn’t seen Inception.
Unreal.
EXT. SAND DUNES – NIGHT
The boys walk looking for any sign of life.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Maybe we should just rest here for
the night.
LEO DICAPRIO
I haven’t fallen asleep without a
woman in 31 years. I don’t think I
can do this.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
I think if we all just hang tight
we will make it till morning. It’s
like that episode of Entourage when
we were all on ‘shrooms and Vince
had to decide whether to do the dog
movie or not.
DAVID BLAINE
Great episode.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Thank you, David.
The guys all get close to the ground and take shelter by a
rock.
LEO DICAPRIO
So what?! I’m just supposed to fall
asleep without relieving myself? Is
that safe?
DAVID BLAINE
The human body can withstand
miraculous things when pushed to
its limits…
David Blaine is levitating above the other guys.
LEO DICAPRIO
Yeah I hear that… But like what’s
the longest you can go without an
orgasm?
21.
E FROM ENTOURAGE
I think like 72 hours.
LEO DICAPRIO
Then what happens?
E FROM ENTOURAGE
Your dick explodes.
LEO DICAPRIO
Jesus… Tomorrow when we wake up,
we find food. We find women and we
find phone chargers. I love you
guys so much.
EXT. FYRE FESTIVAL – LATER THAT NIGHT
Leo wakes up to the sound of a camera snapping.
LEO DICAPRIO
The fuck?
KENDALL JENNER, stands over Leo snapping selfies.
KENDALL JENNER
Hashtag Leonardo Di-NAP-io. Wake up
sleepy head, it’s time to party!
Kendall giggles and runs away. Leo follows her.
LEO DICAPRIO
Oh great. I guess I LITERALLY have
to KEEP UP WITH A KARDASHIAN!
Leo turns to the camera and winks for the next 14 minutes.
INT. VIP DOME TENT – NIGHT
Kendall runs inside and Leo trails behind.
On the inside are thousands of phone chargers, unlimited
spicy tuna rolls, liquor bottles with sparklers on top, and
just hundreds of scantily clad Instagram models.
LEO DICAPRIO
Finally, somewhere that feels like
home.
The Instagram models all descend on Leo.
22.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Hi. Nice to meet you… Glad to see
you…
Leo squints his eyes and sees JA-RULE. He tries to push his
way through the models but they claw and scratch at him. He
screams to Ja-Rule.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Ja! My man! Ja-Rule! It’s LEO! We
crossed streams at the 2001 VMAS.
Remember?! JA!
Ja-Rule notices Leo getting closer to him and pulls out a
pistol. He aims it at Leo and FIRES.
EXT. SAND DUNES – NIGHT
Leo wakes up in a cold sweat.
LEO DICAPRIO
Thank God. It was just a dream.
Leo looks down at his pants.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
Just a wet dream… I knew it
wasn’t safe to go to bed without
orgasming.
Leo checks his pocket he finds a KYLIE JENNER lip kit in
there.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
The fuck? That place… It must be
real.
Leo puts on the lip kit like war paint under his eyes and
heads out.
EXT. FYRE FESTIVAL TENTS – NIGHT
Leo walks and stares at his phone that has 2%. He sees a dead
festival-goer on the ground with one of those stupid animal
headdresses on.
LEO DICAPRIO
Just like The Revenant… I can use
it to stay warm.
Leo grabs the animal headdress and wraps himself in it. He
presses on.
23.
EXT. SAND DUNES – NIGHT
Tobey is having a fever dream in his sleep.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
NO! NO! They didn’t recast Spider-
Man with a much younger actor.
Spider-Man works better as a middle
aged actor. PLEASE.
David Blaine wakes up and summons a shoe to magically hit
Tobey in the head.
DAVID BLAINE
Shut up, man.
David looks around.
DAVID BLAINE (CONT’D)
Where’s Leo?
Blaine takes out a Magic 8-Ball and shakes it. “Try again!”
it reads upon first shake… He shakes again… “Try again!”
DAVID BLAINE (CONT’D)
Mother fucker. Where is Leo?
David Blaine shakes it again. The 8-Ball reads “About to be
murdered.”
DAVID BLAINE (CONT’D)
Oh no. Posse assemble. Our leader
needs us.
EXT. FYRE FESTIVAL – NIGHT
Leo presses on in the dead of night… Suddenly an amazing
sound can be heard… A familiar beat… Familiar lyrics…
“I’m not always there when you call… But I’m always on
time…”
Leo’s eyes whip to the other side of the island. The sun is
just peaking up over the horizon.
LEO DICAPRIO
That’s JA-RULE.
Leo starts to run. Other people are also starting to head
towards the music.
The NEW POSSE sees Leo running and follows him.
24.
EXT. BEACH FRONT – DAWN
Leo finds a deserted golf cart on the beach and jumps in.
DAVID BLAINE
Didn’t think we’d miss this fun did
you?!
The posse reunites in the back of the cart.
LEO DICAPRIO
Good to see you boys. I found Ja-
Rule.
Chadwick and the New Posse gang find their own cart as well.
They begin the race down the beach. THIS IS FUCKING CHAOS.
THIS IS MAD MAX: FYRE ROAD.
The two carts race toward the sounds of Ja-Rule. Tents are on
fire, wild dogs are dashing towards them, blue umbrellas from
the beach come spiraling toward them at full speed.
Blaine uses the dark arts to swipe the umbrellas out of the
air.
Tobey uses his left over Spider-Man branded silly string to
blind the rabid dogs coming at them.
E from Entourage just kind of hangs but you are glad he is
there. He has a kind smile.
Chadwick and Leo bump their carts into each other. THIS IS
IT. NEW HOLLYWOOD VS. OLD HOLLYWOOD. YOUTUBE VS. CINEMA. THE
SHOWDOWN THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. YES!!!!!
Both golf carts arrive at the “VIP ONLY” tent and run towards
it.
INT. VIP DOME TENT – DAY
This is just like the tent in Leo’s dream. Ja-Rule is on the
stage giving a toast.
JA-RULE
To living like movie stars,
partying like rock stars and
fucking like porn stars!
A bunch of celebrities are in this place, Pauly Shore, Dane
Cook and… Andrew Garfield.
Andrew approaches Tobey.
25.
ANDREW GARFIELD
Hey man, we never got a chance to
meet but I want you to know when I
rebooted Spider-Man I watched all
your old shit.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
What did you just say to me?
ANDREW GARFIELD
When I did my two Spider-Man films.
I liked what you did to the
character but I had my own take on
it…
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Bullshit.
Tobey reaches for his backpocket and pulls out his Spider-Man
mask… Andrew does the same. They silly string each other in
the face and start to wrestle on the floor.
Hundreds of Instagram models descend on both versions of the
Posse, young and old.
LEO DICAPRIO
We need to speak to Mr. Rule,
please.
INSTAGRAM MODEL
I’m afraid, we can’t let you do
that. You’ll need to get past us
first.
Leo stares at Chadwick.
LEO DICAPRIO
This is where we separate the boys
from the Men. An old fashion screw-
through.
CHADWICK
What is that?
LEO DICAPRIO
We need to fuck our way to Ja-Rule.
Women, men, anything. Never stop
until we get to our Target. Think
you can beat the O.G.?
CHADWICK
I know I can.
26.
LEO DICAPRIO
See you at the finish line…
What follows is an unbelievably disgusting sexual nightmare
that continues for the better part of the afternoon. Since we
are aiming for a PG-13 with this movie I think we will just
show a couple of upper thigh shots and Leo high fiving E from
Entourage.
Add in a few fuck songs like Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie” or LFO’s
“Summer Girls” and some cool lava lamp sex lighting.
Tobey and Andrew Garfield continue to fight in their Spider-
Man costumes that they bring with them everywhere.
ANDREW GARFIELD
I was nominated for a fucking
Oscar. I’m the better Spider-Man.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
I was in the Cider House Rules,
bitch. That was an Oscar caliber
film.
David Blaine is going around the party asking people to check
their ass to find their card.
E from Entourage is just kind of hanging out. But it’s cool.
People seem to like him.
At the back of the club right before Leo and Chadwick get to
the door that reads “JA-RULE ONLY” they are on their final
Instagram model of the night. A trail of sexcapades are left
behind them.
Chadwick tries… but nothing…
CHADWICK
I’ve got… Nothing left…
Chadwick passes out on the floor.
Leo tries to muster up something himself.
INSTAGRAM MODEL
What’s the matter, Leo? I thought
you were good at this?
Leo gets up and zips his pants.
27.
LEO DICAPRIO
You know what. I may have just had
sex with 60+ people but I think I
learned something here today. I’ve
done it all. I’ve driven on the
highway with Jonah Hill and gotten
high in my driveway with Hillary
Swank. But one thing I just
realized is that it doesn’t matter
who you fuck, it matters who’s
around when you fuck. And I’m glad
to be here with my very best
friends in the whole world…
Tobey and Andrew who are swinging from the roof by silly
string stop fighting.
Blaine stops levitating to listen to Leo’s speech.
E from Entourage kind of hangs around.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
I haven’t seen my Posse in a long
time. And even though this trip
isn’t quite what we were promised.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything in
the whole world. Now I’m asking as
a human being, as a friend, and as
a fantastic lover… Can I PLEASE
speak to Ja-Rule for just a minute.
The final Instagram model blocking Ja-Rule’s door, moves to
the side…
FINAL INSTAGRAM MODEL
You are free to go in…
LEO DICAPRIO
You know what, we might as well
just have sex before I go in there.
The crowd goes fucking wild for Leo!
Chadwick picks his head up from the floor.
CHADWICK
That guy… is a LEGEND.
Tobey and Andrew take off their Spider-Man masks.
ANDREW GARFIELD
Hey man, I’m sure we both had
strengths and weaknesses.
(MORE)
28.
But at least we are the last people
to ever play Spider-Man.
TOM HOLLAND, the new younger Spider-Man, walks past the guys
with his Spidey mask peeking from his back pocket.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
Tobey and Andrew tackle Tom Holland.
INT. JA-RULE’S SECRET OFFICE – NIGHT
Ja-Rule sits behind his desk with a stack of cash taking
selfies.
JA-RULE
(singing)
Cause I’m REAAAL!
LEO DICAPRIO
JA….
JA-RULE
I’ve been expecting you.
LEO DICAPRIO
What are you doing, man? What’s
going on here. The people want you
to perform. They need you to
perform.
Ja-Rule gets up from his desk.
JA-RULE
Oh it’s simple really. Haven’t
really had a hit song in a while. I
figured out a way to make 65
million dollars in a weekend and
become the most famous person in
the world.
LEO DICAPRIO
How’s that?
JA-RULE
You throw a festival and people
Instagram you for a weekend. You
set the world on FYRE and people
Instagram you for a lifetime!
Ja pulls down a curtain to reveal 3 dead bodies.
ANDREW GARFIELD (CONT’D)
29.
Leo throws up all over the floor.
LEO DICAPRIO
Oh no. You killed Blink 182.
JA-RULE
You’re damn right I did. What’s
their age again? AGE: DEAD!
LEO DICAPRIO
Not a great burn, but you said it
so I guess we’ll just have to live
with it now…
Ja-Rule is somewhat embarrassed by his terrible insult.
LEO DICAPRIO (CONT’D)
You need help… I can help you…
You don’t need to do this.
JA-RULE
I told you not to come here… But
now that you know. I have no
choice. I have to kill you.
LEO DICAPRIO
Kill me?
Ja-Rule flips the wall in his office to reveal a bunch of
guns and ammo.
JA-RULE
(in song)
I’ve got 100 guns, 100 clips, I’M
FROM NEW YORK!
Ja loads his weapons and starts to fire at Leo.
LEO DICAPRIO
Hey man, we can talk about this. I
know the producers of Fast &
Furious, I can get you back in that
series I’m sure.
Ja-Rule fires through the room.
JA-RULE
THEY GAVE MY FUCKING ROLE TO LUDA-
CRIS?!?! 10 films and a spin-off.
HELL NO. THAT WAS MY ROLE.
30.
INT. VIP DOME TENT – CONTINUOUS
The gun shots are heard ringing through the dome.
Leo comes running out the back office and onto the stage.
Ja-Rule follows with a giant semi-automatic.
JA-RULE
This is it. I will now be the most
famous person on earth. I killed
America’s Sweetheart.
Ja points the gun at Leo’s head.
VOICE
WAIT…
JA-RULE
This better be good…
Kendall Jenner runs on stage and cracks a PEPSI for Ja-Rule.
He takes a sip… He takes another one…
JA-RULE (CONT’D)
Damn. I haven’t had Pepsi in a
minute. This ain’t half bad.
Ja finishes the rest of the Pepsi while holding the gun at
Leo’s head.
LEO DICAPRIO
Don’t do it.
Ja puts the gun down…
JA-RULE
What happened to me. This isn’t who
I am. I went to an Ivy League
school. Why am I doing this? I
spent so much time asking if I
could… I didn’t even stop to
ask… If I should. I’m sorry
Leo…
Ja-Rule turns to the crowd.
JA-RULE (CONT’D)
I’m sorry to all of you. I will
have some boats come to the island
and pick us all up.
Suddenly the Three Spider-Mans descend on Ja-Rule and kick
the shit out of him. Just annihilate him back to front.
31.
The crowd laughs and laughs…
DAVID BLAINE
Now let’s party!
Blaine does some magic shit with his fingers and Eifel 65’s
“Blue” comes on all the speakers!
EXT. PITBULL’S YACHT – DAY
Both new and old Pussy Posse’s party on Pitbull’s boat.
LEO DICAPRIO
Man, I definitely thought you were
dead when you got shot, Pitbull.
PITBULL
Nah. I got shot in the legs, which
are fake anyway. How else do you
think I can move and shake, LIKE
THIS?!
Pitbull starts to angelically move his hips.
LEO DICAPRIO
Incredible!
As the Yacht goes towards the sunset, Leo, Tobey, David
Blaine and E from Entourage all nod at each other. The Posse
has done it again, another adventure for the ages and while
they may not assemble for many years to come they know that
they will always have each other’s backs and when it comes to
having intercourse with Hollywood elite, they are the best of
the best!
THE END!
